Super Battle Athletes Gundam Wing
by Tori Yuki Ichimura
Summary: A very sarcastic attempt to get the pilots down to an Antarctic training facility complete with illegal goats, anemia, and an appropriate dose of crossdressing.
1. Chapter 1

**Tori: **This may just be the lack of sleep talking, but I think is way overdue for a Gundam Wing/ Battle Athletes crossover.

**Duet: **spits Hard Ice Tea tastes like crap.

**Tori: **blinks Jesse… You remind me of Jesse…

**Duo: ** Who do I remind you of?

**Tori: **… … … …

**Duo: **Tori?

**Trowa: **She's asleep. Let her be…

**Duo: **Not. Cool. grabs Tori's shoulders and shakes YOU CAN'T JUST CONK OUT ON ME LIKE THAT!

**Tori: **…gwaaze… head lolls back, sporting a lovely snot bubble

**Duo: **…that is one TIRED Japanese import…

**Heero: **Could you not…use that term? Ever again?

**Super Battle Athletes Gundam Wing!**

**Tori: **Genki enough title for ya?

**All: **…shut up, Tori…

ACHEM!

**Death Mercenary Combat Competitors Gundam Wing**

**Tori: **…better?

**All: **TORI!

**Tori: **Story. Right.

Heero snapped into consciousness moments before his nose made contact with his computer screen. He blinked a few times, experimenting with the suddenly alien glow that bathed his face and the keyboard. 'Why am I awake?'

"It's…MAILTIME! Here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail, when it comes I wanna wail…-"

"DUO MAXWELL!" Heero yelled at the top of his lungs and jumped off his seat. He tore down the hallway and drew his gun, skidding to a halt in front of the braided pair's bedroom door.

Duo opened his door that Wednesday morning to find himself looking down the barrel of a gun trained between his eyes by a Japanese boy wearing nothing but some black boxers and a pair of socks. He yawned and promptly shut the door.

"Duo! Open the door! I'm gonna KILL you!"

"…there's an incentive…"

"Uninstall that Blue's Clues virus NOW!"

"Can't…'

"WHY NOT?"

"Didn't install it in the first place."

"Then who did?" _Knock knock!_ "Duo! DUO?"

"…zzzzzzzzzzz…"

"…"

Dejectedly, Heero trudged back to his room and plunked down in front of the computer again. The tune was still wailing in the background and he knew the only way to stop it would be to… GASP! Open his mail! ((**Heero:** O.o …Tori? You alright there?))

Double-clicking the dancing Periwinkle icon, he scanned through his inbox for the letter. "Damnit, J…" he frown, spotting one titled 'IMPORTANT' still highlighted in red. ((**Tori: **You have hotmail? **Heero: **My e-mail died a long time ago… **Wu Fei: **STOP THESE RANDOM AUTHOR'S NOTES!))

He opened it and began to read.

"Heero-tachi, YOU SUCK! You are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! I mean, man, I've seen soldiers suck before but you take the sucky cake! achem After that positive and enlightening monologue, I am pleased to inform you that you six have been enrolled in the Antarctic Training School. Your plane leaves at 5:47 this morning. Don't ask me why. I bought the tickets on You will actually be stowing away on an illegal shipment of goats. Oh and NO GUNDAMS! This is a training exercise that should teach you how to work as a team while remaining strong individuals. Zero-2, NO FUCKING GUNDAMS! I'm SERIOUS! I will BUST your PUNK-ASS if you even SAY the word Gundam while you're there. These are CIVILIANS you're working with. That is your mission.

-J

P.S. This message will self destruct in 30 seconds"

"Well THAT sucks…" Heero said quite frankly and hit the print button so he could show the others. He grabbed it out of the machine and walked off to wake the other pilots.

Thirty seconds later… _BLAM!_ No more computer…

((**Trowa: **BUT HOW WILL I FLIRT WITH SARAH? **Wu Fei: **WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THESE THINGS? **Tori: **…go burn in a lake, Fei… **Trowa: **…yeah…go drown in a fire…))

4:21 that morning, still at the house

"Sorry… It took me a minute to find my bong," Duet apologized and flashed the camera an 'I Just Ate A Bowl Of Macaroni And Cheese' smile.

"I'm taking away your Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanzs action figures," Quatre grabbed the SNL figurines off her desk and tossed them in the trash.

"Awww…."

5:46 that morning, on the plane

"Where are we going?" Trowa frowned.

"Antarctica," Heero replied.

"What are we doing?" Wu Fei grimaced.

"Training exercises."

"Are we there yet?" Duo smiled.

"Yes, Duo."

"SCORENESS!" Duo ran to the plane's side door, careful to dodge the illegal goats, and yanked it open. He promptly fell out.

'Did he fall to his death millions of feet above the Earth?' you ask. No, because if you READ properly, you would SEE it's still FIVE FORTY-SIX and the flight doesn't leave until FIVE FORTY-SEVEN! The worst he got was a SCRAPE from falling three feet onto the RUNWAY!

Duo then climbed back into the plane, glared at Heero, and settled back down between Duet and Trowa, as he should.

Now all is right in my world because Duo fell down, Heero ran around in his underwear, they're stuck on a plane headed to Antarctica with a bunch of illegal goats at 5:46 in the AM, and their fucking computer blew up. I'm content to end the story right here. But I won't. Because I have an obligation to you, my readers, to provide quality entertainment even if I am sleep-deprived and dying and…

"OKAY, TORI! THIS IS JUST ONE OF YOUR LITTLE "AUTHOR'S NOTES" WITHOUT THE BRACKETS THIS TIME! WOULD YOU STOP IT BEFORE I'M FORCED TO HURT YOU?" Wu Fei yelled.

_The rest of this story will now be completed with an entirely different Chinese person at great expense but for the overall benefit of you, my precious readers._

"…This isn't Hong Kong.. is it?" Jackie Chan frowned and the five remaining pilots' eyes bulged out and they huddled in terror in a remote corner behind some goats. Goats smell bad.

Somewhere In Hong Kong

"Guys…?" Wu Fei pouted and pulled out a Twizzler™ from his Floofy Pants Hammerspace Pocket™ and started munching on it. Why did I just put ™ after 'Floofy Pants Hammerspace Pocket'? Are you gonna steal my 'Floofy Pants Hammerspace Pocket'? It's not all that clever, so why would you? I mean, if you really wanna say 'Floofy Pants Hammerspace Pocket' are those two tiny letters really gonna stop you? And another thing…

"AHHHHHHHHH! TORI'S BAD WRITING SKILLS ARE HAUNTING ME!"

Wanna go back on the illegal goat plane?

"…was that a threat?"

… Actually, that was an offer…

"Oh. Okay."

Back On What We Shall Now Refer To As The 'Illegal Goat Plane'

"So this American corporation comes up to me and says "Can we make a crappy TV show and put your name in the title?" and I say "As long as I get money" and that why show called 'Jackie Chan Adventures'," Mr. Chan finished.

"It all makes sense now…" Duet marveled aloud.

_The Chinese person in the point of the story has been changed yet again at a slightly cheaper fare with no regard for the reader and for that, Trowa apologizes._

"Why do I have to apologize? I didn't do anything wrong. It was your stupid fault!"

Quatre apologizes for the way Trowa was portrayed as the scapegoat.

"It's always my fault… Isn't it?"

Yes, it is.

"Tori! This is hampering the forward progression of the story! Can we get on with it?"

Right. Um… More in the next chapter, people! V

"…and hopefully it will be a whole lot less violent and crass and a BIT more informative…" Heero stated.

Actually. It probably won't be. Nore will the chapter after that. … … … Um, you know what? Don't expect too much from this story. It will probably continue on like this for a while-

"Until we can find Tori the help she needs."

Or until I can find a better friend than Duet. But, hey! Maybe there's a chance people like this ugly, ugly side of me!

"Hideous."

"Grotesque."

"Repulsive."

"Detestable."

"Abhorrent."

"Mind-bendingly dreadful."

I never thought I'd say this, but I can't WAIT to get back to Japan.

"WE'RE COMING TOOOOOOOO!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!


	2. Chapter 2

**Tori: **After this, I'm writing The Book Of Love

**All: **Oh joy…

**Super Battle Athletes Gundam Wing**

**Chapter 2**

**Bye-Bye Illegal Goat Plane!**

"I'm dirty and I smell like illegal goats and I wanna go home…" Quatre whined. Duo tossed a handful of hay at him and soon a full-scale war was being waged with dead grass and some of the smaller, more aerodynamic of the illegal goats.

"Whoo-hoo… More sarcastic authorship on Tori's part…" Wu Fei cheered sardonically. For some strange reason, one of the overhead screws managed to work itself loose and bean the angry little teenager in the noggin.

The slapstick humor only held the pilots' attention for a moment though, because after that screw, fifteen others along the ceiling of the plane came unscrewed and rolled one after another down a convenient little pipe, all to bean Wu Fei in the same spot. Again, this did not concern them as much as the fact that the plane was, well, falling apart with them and the illegal goats still onboard.

A shaky voice came over the intercom and announced that the craft would have to make an emergency landing and to assume the crash position. Now, our pilots, being…pilots all knew that all the stupid crash position they advertise does in the event of a crash is shove your spine up into your brain so you die faster. That happy thought under their belts, they assumed said position against my wishes, preferring to die rather than finish out this latest fic of mine.

But then Quatre got an Idea. Notice that 'Idea' is capitalized, because, while it isn't a particularly good idea, it IS one that someone like us would come up with.

This Arab was going to hi-jack the plane. And land it. Safely.

"I'm gonna hi-jack the plane!" Quatre announced and rose to his feet. His fellow goats and the illegal pilots- achem -His fellow pilots and the illegal goats hastily cleared a path for him as he charged at the cockpit's door. After a few solid kicks to the frame, it still refused to budge. Then another Idea occurred to him (again, note the capital 'I'). He leaned down to examine the small sign just above the knob only to realize that it simply read 'Pull'.

Quatre shot the door and walked through it anyway. "I always wondered what'd it'd be like to be Heero for a day…"

Inside the cockpit he saw a hastily-written note that simply said 'There is no black box. There IS no black box!'. A door was swinging open and in the expanse of sky outside it, the blonde boy could just barely catch a glimpse of a disappearing speck and the word "AHHHHHHHHHH…!" trailing in big, bold letters from the doorway to the speck, which Quatre correctly assumed was his last word.

"You alright in there?" came a voice from the body of the plane. Trowa joined him in the small space and after scanning the control panel for a moment, selected an arbitrary button and pressed it. The plane leveled out and glided somewhat noisily but otherwise safely to a stop in the middle of a track field on the ground that was previously far below. "For all your good intentions, Quat, you're pretty useless when it comes down to it."

"I know…" Quatre sighed and they traipsed back to the others.

"Well, the plane's landed. What happened to her?" Trowa said, Duet catching his eye as she was sprawled out on the hay-strewn floor, eyes half-lidded and blood trickling from the corner of her mouth. A goat was curled up next to her and snapped at Duo's braid every time he got too close.

"Oh. Her? She contracted anemia from that goat," Duo replied.

Wu Fei rolled his eyes. "Why can't you just focus, Tori? This story isn't going anywhere!"

Maybe it's just my unique story-telling style…

"And maybe you're on crack," Heero suggested.

Go jump off a curb, kisama.

"Hey! Get this thing off our field!" someone outside the plane called, interrupting what promised to be a rather nonsensical argument between a Gundam pilot and an insomniac.

Confused, Trowa opened the plane's door to find a blonde girl glaring up at them.

"You must be the ugliest girl I've ever seen…" she remarked. Trowa promptly shut the door and turned to face his friends.

"Not-necessarily-bad news: we made it to the Antarctica training camp… Not-necessarily-good news: I think we're supposed to be girls."

"Tori! You disappoint me! The girl who vowed never to succumb to clichés is making us dress as girls? Injustice!" Wu Fei cried, leaping to his feet.

Go stick a fork in a toaster, Fei.

"You're also doing the Wu Fei bashing thing…"

Go stick a fork in a toaster, Fei.

"You just said that."

Well, you haven't done it yet.

"Can we end this here? There's room for this in other chapters…" Duo reasoned.

"Yes, and we can use the time in-between to don our cosplay-"

"-disguises-"

"Right, Trowa, disguises. It's a win-win situation," Heero added.

Sounds like a plan. Wanna go watch 'This Is Otakudom' again?

"YEAH!"

**Tori: **Another sad little chapter, but this story has become my baby… Something to work on when I'm up at insane hours…

_Beep Beep!_

**Tori: **Awww… I forgot to feed my Tamagotchi!

**Duet: **There is no brick…! There is no brick…! gasp WIIIIIII-AWWWWWWW! _CRASH! _AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Heero: **…what possessed you to do that…?

**Duet: ** Andy inspires me.

**Duo: **Hmmm… This is going to require…and extremely cunning plan!

awkward pause

**Duo & Duet: **LAND SHARK!

**Trowa: **Eerie how good a Randy Duo makes…

**Wu Fei & Quatre: **asleep on couch

**All: **Lucky bastards…


	3. Chapter 3

**Tori: **More than a few typos in that last chapter, ne?

**All: **nod nod

**Tori: **Well, it was late… Even if that's not a valid excuse.

**Duo: **Don't feel too bad. The whole chapter sucked, so I doubt too many people noticed or cared.

**Heero: **puts down TV remote That Rock kid is the only cool character in that movie…

**All: **Anou?

**Heero: **_Metropolis_…

**All: **…oh…

**Duet: **I agree. That kid was laughing and pointing a gun at the camera. He's on my good list!

**Duo: **Who's on your bad list?

**Duet: **You.

**Duo & Duet: **deathglare each other

**Tori: **FOCUS, PEOPLE! FOCUS!

**Super Battle Athletes Gundam Wing**

**Chapter 3**

**The Little Puppy Who Got Lost In The Big Woods**

Tentatively, Heero creaked open the door on the side of the plane and was greeted with a vast crowd of girls fronted by a smiling man with red hair.

"Ah, you must be the new athletes," he laughed and extended a hand to help them down, one by one, from the tilting wreckage.

"BAAAAAAAHHHH!" the illegal goats bleated until he helped them out as well.

"Thank you, sir," Quatre smiled, twirling the hair of his platinum blonde wig.

"You're all very welcome," he replied, a goofy grin still plastered to his sun-darkened face. "Akari! Ichino! Come here and take these girls to their rooms."

Trowa leaned over to Heero and whispered, "The disguises are working…" Heero shifted uncomfortable in his now-too-tight-because-of-fake-boobs tank top and ran a hand through his hair to make sure the extension that fell to his shoulders was still secure.

Two Japanese girls bounded up to them and introduced themselves.

"My name's Akari Kanzaki!" she said cheerily and bowed.

"Ichino Yanagida from Osaka," said the other.

"Osaka? How are those tigers doing?" Heero asked. Akari grabbed Trowa's hand to pull him/her wherever their rooms were, and Heero and Ichino walked at the back of the group discussing baseball and yellow and black and other special Japanese things that come from Osaka and that people from Osaka talk about and no one else can understand (because they have their own little dialect, dontcha' know).

"I thought there were six…" the headmaster puzzled as the crowd of girl began to disperse. Suddenly, the door on the side of the plane swung open again and illegal goats scattered everywhere. There Duet lay, hanging half-way out the open door, completely nekkid (because, while the guys had been able to find most of their disguises in their hammerspace pockets, they had not been able to find any women's clothes and thus stole from Duet, who didn't need anything to cover her femininity, or at least that's how Wu Fei put it…).

"What's wrong with her?" one of the girls asked as blood trickled from the corner of Duet's mouth.

"I think her brain is hemorrhaging…"

Another girl with long blonde hair and nail blue eyes stepped forward and plucked her from the wreckage. She cradled the limp figure in her arms and started off after the other girls. The crowd parted before them and the illegal goat that gave her the disease (Yes, I'm aware that anemia can't actually be transmitted by illegal goats. The anemia is probably because of Duet's poor eating habits or some great loss of blood during some battle or something… And stuff and junk and stuff…) trotted behind, a blade of grass sticking out of the corner of it's mouth.

Why this was called The Little Puppy Who Got Lost In The Big Woods is beyond me…

**Wu Fei: **Curious… No strange authorship in this story…

**Tori: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Heero: **Hey, it's okay… Duet's nekkid and has anemia, we're dressed as girls, and you said 'illegal goat' four times! That's something to be proud of!

**Tori: **You're sweet. glomp

**Heero: **…it's been a while since I've been glomped… Duo, refresh me on the proper removal procedures…

**Duo: **Set her on fire.

**Heero: **Ah, yes…

**Tori: **_VROOM! _cowers against the far wall AWA! KEGAWA! HELP MEEEEE!

**Kegawa: **Nu-huh… We're not having anything to do with this story…

**Awa: **Yeah, besides, we have to pack. Komiket's Friday.

**Tori: **twitch twitch Who said you were coming…?


	4. Chapter 4

**Tori: **Oh dear Lord…it's back again.

**Duo: **OO …ph33r…

**Super Battle Athletes Gundam Wing**

**Chapter 4**

**When Good Storms Go Bad**

Duet blinked awake and found herself in a small room. The walls were plastered with posters of female athletes and pictures of friends and numerous sports trophies and medals were displayed humbly on the dresser top and shelves. The clothes she'd packed ((that is, what the other pilots hadn't stolen for their own purposes)) were washed and folded in a neat pile on the floor near her head and her shoes sat just inside the triangular automatic door.

Puzzled, she sat up and looked around again. A breeze stirred in the room and she suddenly felt very cold.

"Get back under the blanket or you'll catch a chill," a female voice demanded. Duet needn't be told twice though and gathered the futon under her chin to cover her bare chest.

"…WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" she cried and scanned the room for the source of the voice.

"Down here, stupid," the voice rang again and Duet turned her gaze to the floor.

"Hello!" a blonde girl smiled and waved meekly at her, her face half-covered by the blanket she clutched in her other hand.

"Dear God!" the chestnut haired girl screeched and crab-crawled across the room at an astonishing speed, the blanket, for the most part, staying secure. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

The blonde girl blinked and sat up, not bothering to bring her blanket with her. "I'm Jessie Gurtland."

"WHAT AM I DOING HERE?"

"You were sent here with your friends."

"NO! WHAT AM I DOING _HERE_?"

"You stayed the night."

"WHY AM I NEKKID?"

"Did you want to sleep in your dirty clothes…?"

"WHY ARE YOU SO COMPOSED?"

"…would you prefer me to act like a raving lunatic such as yourself at this moment?"

"YES! YES, I WOULD!"

I'm sure Jessie would have complied with Duet's wishes if someone hadn't knocked on the door. It slid open with a subtle _Whoosh!_ to reveal a rather disgruntled-looking Heero in a pair of plaid pajama pants and an oversized nightshirt.

"Duet… Stop screwing the natives and get out here. We need to talk," he mumbled and the door slid shut again.

More than happy to oblige, the nekkid girl, without bothering to get dressed, followed him into the hall, leaving the blonde girl in her room.

"Heero?"

With a _Whoosh!_ and a quick shove she found herself in a small, dark space with a hand on her breast.

"J-Jessie?" Duet squeaked.

"No, it's me. Duo."

"Oh. Alright. I won't tell you to move your hand then."

"Who's Jessie?"

"Hot native. Spent the night with her."

"Sweet. Not even a day and you're already someone's bitch."

"Er, yeah… Is there a reason you dragged me in here?"

"Yup." Duo switched on the light. They were standing in a rather small bathroom, furnished with only a toilet and a sink.

"Ah yes. It's all clear now," Duet grumbled.

"I just needed to talk to you…"

"About what?"

"Well…have you read this chapter so far?"

"Uh-huh. What about it?"

"Duet… there's no strange authorship. No yelling. No insomnia-induced rants. Doesn't that strike you as strange?"

The naked girl closed her eyes for a moment, then looked up at Duo and smiled. "The author… She's finally…" Duet looked off into the lack of distance and held both hands over her heart. Her eyes watered and sparkles clouded the backdrop with whites and pastels. I'll even throw in some fricken cherry blossoms and some cheesy background music. "…off cocaine."

The bathroom door slid open and Heero peered in. "Tori was on cocaine?"

The two braided idiots nodded excitedly.

"So many questions… … … …have just been answered."

Wow, THAT was a clichéd line, Scuzzy.

Heero left eye twitched violently. "DON'T call me Scuzzy."

"Yeah, quit picking on Heero, ya' chippin' bitch!" Duo added.

Ooooh, a bitch, eh? Real harsh, QUEEBO!

"Now, now… That's enough name-calling you two," Duet frowned and crossed her arms.

"S/he started it," Duo and Tori chorused and pointed at each other. Well, I pointed at Duo. Duo just kind of waved his pointing hand around, then gave up and stormed out of the bathroom on the verge of tears.

Duet cast a poisonous glance at the tissue box next to the hand soap on the sink counter and ran after her pussy fiancé. Oh, she's still naked by the way. Gotta hold Relena's interest somehow.

So…just me and Scuzzy left.

"My name isn't Scuzzy," Heero growled.

Yes it is, Scuzzy.

Yup…just me and Scuzzy.

**Wu Fei: **Did you just wake up this morning and say "Hey! Why don't I work on that crappy ass fic I started last summer?"

**Tori: **Wake up? Honey, I haven't gone to bed yet.

**Wu Fei: **Not like you would have gotten any sleep if you had anyway. Probably would have kept the rest of us up too…

**Tori: **Hehehe… I'm putting this convo at the end of this chapter.

**Wu Fei: **What do I care? No one's gonna get that far anyway.

**Tori: **I'll be sure to thank you for your support in my Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

**Wu Fei: **Wanna forget this conversation ever happened and come with me to get some bagels?

**Tori: **With honey walnut cream cheese?

**Wu Fei: **If it'll shut you up.

**Tori: **DEAL!


	5. Chapter 5

**Tori: **Peter…must be a WARLOCK!

**Relena & Tori: **Hehehe…

**Relena: **snort Dildo fire!

**Both: **WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Duet: **That is SO inappropriate, you two. grins

**Relena:** hugs Tori Jealous?

**Heero: **Leave my girl alone, ya damn lesbian.

**Tori, Relena & Duet: **blink blink

**Tori: **whispers …which one of us is he talking to?

**Heero: **-- I'm gonna go sit in the non-lesbian corner with Kim and Jess now…

**Super Battle Athletes Gundam Wing**

**Chapter 5**

Where the hell did I leave off? I could open the previous chapter and check but… I am one seriously lazy bitch right now, so I'll just make some shit up.

Duo munched happily on his half-frozen waffle as he peered around at new surroundings. The room, uniforms, and broken toaster they'd provided him with were very much to his liking, but he would never admit it. I mean, what self-respecting boy would ever admit out loud that he liked wearing girls' clothing? Besides-

"But Tori… Everyone knows I like wearing girl clothes. I went to school in a mini-skirt and fishnets once."

Sorry… forgot you had no self-respect. ANYHOO! … … … Shit… What was I talking about? Ah yes! Trowa…

"No, you were talking about me!" Duo protested.

Shut it, you wanker.

The Russian boy sat quietly in the hallway outside his room wearing the pink school uniform that had been provided, minus the shoes of course because they were, well, on the other side of the door. The door that Trowa, in spite of all the intelligence that filled his head, was unable to open. He tried staring at it, standing awkwardly in front of it, mumbling at it…even slowly approaching it as if it were one of the automatic doors back home. Nothing seemed to be working, so he sat in the hallway and watched as girls walked to and fro, willy-nilly in and out of their rooms like it was easy as apple pie. The triangle-shaped pocket door was the absolute center of his thoughts… which was unfortunate for Quatre.

The blonde boy-dressed-as-girl approached him slowly and knelt down beside him. "Trowa?" he asked, and lifted a hand to touch the older boy's face.

"Not now, Scribbles. I'm pondering."

Quatre flinched. "Fine. I just need to get something out of your room." He stood and approached the door, which opened courteously. Trowa leapt to his feet and tried to follow, but it snapped shut and chuckled menacingly.

"Oh, I can tell you right now…we are NOT gonna get along," Trowa hissed and kicked at the track the door slid on.

On the other side, Quatre knocked. "Trowa, I'm stuck and the door won't open!"

Trowa gasped. "Listen here, door! You let go of my boyfriend right now!" The door slid open just a bit and Trowa slipped his fingers in the crack and pulled. It slammed shut again and Trowa's eyes bulged. "YE-AHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE SON OF A BITCH BIT ME!"

"Don't be silly, Trowa! You just got your hand stuck. The door can't bite you," Quatre reasoned. He reached to assist his friend on the other side of the entrance, but the door growled menacingly and he quickly drew his hand back. "Okay… It's biting you."

Trowa thought for a minute, fighting back the pain in an attempt to form a rational plan. He quickly gave up on that and settled for yelling "HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! SOMEONE! ANYONE! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

The door soon grew tired of his yelling and opened just enough for Trowa to free his hand and Quatre to slip out, then it slammed shut again.

"You might wanna get that door checked out…make sure it's had its rabies shot," the blonde grumbled and walked off down the hall, a recently-retrieved pair of boxers slung over his shoulder. Trowa shook his hand out, then inspected the damage. He decided it warranted some medical attention seeing as there was blood all over the door and his hand and sleeve, so he set out in search of the nurse.

"This fic is so stupid," Wu Fei mumbled to the short haired girl sitting on the floor behind him as he brushed his hair in front of the dresser mirror. "This is, what, the fifth chapter? There has been hardly ANY forward progression!"

"Mmm hmmm..." Ichino agreed, preoccupied with disassembling the bag Heero had left in the room before his morning adventure. She separated the contents into piles of clothes, weapons, hentai and bondage paraphernalia.

"Are you even listening to me?" Wu Fei spun around on his chair to look at her. "Oooo, Heero's gonna kill you."

"Hmph."

"Ichino?"

"Sorry, I don't want to say much. The more I talk, the more the authoress will make fun of Osaka," Ichino replied, her words heavy with an Osaka accent. Now, there's nothing wrong with being from Osaka…and people from Osaka are a lot more friendly than, say, people from Tokyo, but… They're so much fun to tease. I mean, all you have to say is something like 'Wow! Those Tigers lost again, eh? They really suck.' And they'll go all "I'll kill your family" on your ass and-

"OKAY, BITCH! Pick on me all you want, but leave baseball out of this!"

See?

"Tori, quit picking on the characters! It's bad enough that you pick on us, but at least we can beat you up in real life. These Battle Athletes girls are totally defenseless," Wu Fei reasoned.

Alright, Squeaky…

"Ookini, Wu Fei."

HAHA! OOKINI!

"TORI! STOP MAKING FUN OF OSAKA PEOPLE!"

Oops. The authoress humbly apologizes to Osaka, baseball, and the colors yellow and black.

**Tori: **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I UPDATED!

**All: **stare at Tori

**Tori: **o.o Right o… Back to Abnormal Psych…


End file.
